Limbo

Limbo is defined by dictionary.reference.com as:

1.(often initial capital letter) Roman Catholic Theology. a region on the border
of hell or heaven, serving as the abode after death of unbaptized infants (limbo
of infants) and of the righteous who died before the coming of Christ (limbo of
the fathers or limbo of the patriarchs).
2.a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past,or out of date: My youthful hopes are in the limbo of lost dreams.
3.an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.
4.a place or state of imprisonment or confinement."

So, basically it means being in a place that is unstable, unsure and hella confusing. Right now, I feel like Im in a place of limbo. Though for sure, I am not imprisoned, on the border of hell and heaven, I could be defined as being cast aside, forgotten, or in a transitional place.

I got phoned about a job on offer two weeks ago (its only been two weeks?). I still haven't heard even though it was to be a quick process. Today, I called, and was told they definately want to go ahead with me, and that the position is just waiting on some approvals. Thats great, fantastic, basically I am being told I have the role I would have killed for. It solves my current horrible situation of hating my job, my boss and my daily tasks...

But it hasnt been confirmed. I dont have a contract, nor even an "offer" per say, just someone's opinion that they really want me on board. Their word, I suppose you would say.

Almost similair to when a relationship is starting out. You have a first date, and decide, they are ok, and so go on a second date. After a few weeks have past, your pretty sure you are in a relationship - but its not decided. It hasnt been discussed, its not official.

Same limbo feeling. Your gut tells you - Yes! Your in like Flynn! Your brain goes - nuh ah, not until your signed on that dotted line do you have an escape.

Safety mechanism, perhaps?

It's Your Birthday

This weekend saw me bring in yet another birthday. Ive had 28 all in all, and I find it amazing that I perhaps only remember a third of them. Due to being too young, or too drunk or bascially because nothing happened.

I remember last years birthday, brought in with three days of drinking, eating and the combination of these two resulted in many unspoken of activities. And I smoked.

I remember the year before last, when noone turned up to my party except a few old friends, and ended with me in tears because I was so miserable, and also doing something which I had neither considered or thought of before. And I smoked.

I remember when I turned 25, I dressed in purple, and so did all the girls that I was friends with at the time, and I wanted to be somewhere else the whole night. And I didnt smoke

My 24th?? I actually cannot remember. I think I went to kareoke... And I probably smoked.

23 and 22 are also a mystery, but I assume I spent it in some pub somewhere, drinking, and probably smoking?

My 21st was at my mothers house, I had a bunch of close friends come, and a bunch of people I invited because I saw them that year. I wasnt a smoker yet.

20 and 19 are in that basket of - well, Im sure I spent it at the pub somewhere.

My 18th I drank Midori in Parramatta Park, got a dragon statue from a friend as a present, and remember seeing my boyfriend at that time skinny dipping with one of my now best friends.

17, not sure.

16, I had bad dress sense, was as skinny as a rake and have a photo between two girls who I was friends with who really didnt like each other. We all dated the same guy in a year, and one of them married him. None of us talk, or would talk to each other if we saw each other.

and thats where the memories sorta end... I vaguely remember by 13th birthday party, and a butterfly cake at one time, and a barbie doll cake all pink and white.

However, there is one common theme - each and every birthday is a different crowd of people. Some people have hung around, and seen me turn a year older several years in a row. But mostly, different people.

Its probably the most telling thing about humans. Some things change (people), and some things stay the same (we always have a birthday)...

Feeling a Fraud

For the past year and a half I had sat at this same pod and actioned the same tasks day in - day out. I have sucked up the tears, blown out the anger and thrown out mountains of ideas and paper.

This week, for some reason, is different. This week, I have come to the ubiquitous cross road in life, the 'road less travelled' as Robert Frost called it. It is not particularly the road less travelled for me, but rather two options, one confirmed and one hanging in the wind. Two great career options.

But, I feel the fraud. I agree to the confirmed opportunity, knowing that if the other opportunity comes through I'm out of here quicker than Jack the Flash. As the first offer is bread crumbs in a forest... The second is the icing on the cake.

Corporate fraud, we hear that term in relation to stock brokers and business men who try to beat the financial system, and get gaoled. Right now, I feel the term relates to me, as I'm trying to beat the system. And in the process, I hope it doesn't beat me.