Smoking: Quit Attempt 1/2010: Day 3

I'm not sure any non smoker could understand the fascination with smoking a cigarette. It IS a drug. And sitting on your balcony, or in your backyard or a pub or wherever, having a smoke and a drink is possibly one of my most favorite things to do.

When stressed. When sad. When celebrating. When tired. When brain function is at an all time low capacity, smoking helps.

It becomes a part of your day, and a part of your life.

And when life is shitty, or boring, it is there, to help forget, wind down, absorb the day.

So today, after a VERY long, boring and dull day, I would love to go home and have a cigarette and a beer, or wine. I'd love to just sit there for 5 minutes, and not think of anything but having that cigarette, forget the day, wipe the slate clean, and enjoy my evening.

And no, the Nicorette gum cannot replace that feeling. no matter how much you try, it never will replace the cigarette.

So, instead of relaxing on my balcony today, with a drink, because for sure I will cave, I will sit inside, and slowly become grumpy and sullen and talkative because the one thing that I think will make me feel better, or help deal with my horribly unimportant existence, is gone.

I know its just the craving and addiction talking.

I know there is more in my life that a cigarette. and without the cigarette I will have more life.

and I know seriously that i dont really want a cigerette, but my body does.

But right now, I will be sullen, and drink my wine inside... away from the dregs of the ashtray that sits on my outside table like an open coffin.